You know the feeling when your heart feels weak but not in the medical sense? You literally feel as if your heart will break into a million innumerable pieces. Each piece scattered in all directions from north to south and east to west.
It’s as if life has stopped and you are isolated whilst watching everyone else continuing with their own lives. You’re a bystander in this thing called life. Your emotions hold you prisoner with little chance of bail.
Yeah. Well I’ve been there. I’ve been heartbroken.
What is ironic is that no guy was responsible for my heartbreak. For a long time I’ve said that I doubt that any man could cause me to feel heartbreak because I’ve felt the deepest one there is.
God broke my heart a few years ago. It probably sounds like a weird thing to say but hear me out first😉
I had such high hopes. Like the highest hopes for so many things in my life and as per usual I put the utmost faith in God. There was no reason for me not to doubt Him. He had always come through in the past. Well. Not this time. To say I was crushed is an understatement. I think what made it ‘worse’ was the fact that God had given me a word and I thought that it wouldn’t take long for it to be fulfilled. That did not happen- at all (still hasn’t- yet).
Looking back, I think it’s fair to say that I was depressed and severely so. Gradually my depression gave way to anger. Anger at God. Anger at the fact that I had no control over what was happening.
For two years I decided to stop writing. The only time I did was due to sessions that were held in a place I volunteered. Otherwise? Zilch. In my mind I did it as a way to get back at God. I knew that He had given me the gift to write and to me this was the ‘best’ way to spite Him. It was always a bit awkward when I bumped into people from secondary school and they’d ask the dreaded question:
” Are you still writing Opeyemi?”
I’d mutter a hasty yes. Mainly to just stop people from probing further. I know they meant well. Really I did but I wasn’t ready to tell anybody how I felt. I just could not bring myself to write. Through this time God was still speaking to me. I’d tell Him,
“I can’t write anything. If I do it won’t be anything nice especially concerning you”
And He’d respond , “It doesn’t matter” .
It is one of my regrets that I’ve had. Because it wasn’t harming God, it harmed me. I felt that I bottled everything in and it was horrible. Imagine feeling like this for two years- yeah it wasn’t nice.
Aside from that, it seemed that all I ever did was cry. It got to the point that I told God, ” The least You can do for me is to stop me from crying. I’m fed up of tears so please make them stop”. Of a truth it worked and in the following year I didn’t cry at all. It was a weird feeling.
Gradually I learnt to accept things for what they were and it got to the point where I had to say
“Whether God does it or not I’m sticking with Him”.
The situation didn’t change but my outlook has. For starters I started to write again. Slowly, but surely. This blog is one of the results. I felt Him telling me that I should write weekly to instil discipline. For those who don’t know my number one dream is to be an author and write novels. That has never changed and so this blog is a starting block to something bigger. Discipline is something that is needed for this so my blog is totally helping me with that😀😉
I’m aware that this post is rather vague at places. Sorry about that. In due time when the testimony is ripe I will share all. Promise😉